Unfriending My Ex: And Other Things I'll Never Do Read online

  Praise for UNFRIENDING MY EX

  “Reading Kim Stolz’s riveting, haunting Unfriending My Ex, I found myself wondering, why did it take until 2014—this many years into the technological revolution—for someone to write a book like this?”

  —Michael Cunningham, Pulitzer Prize–winning author of The Hours and The Snow Queen

  “In this reader-friendly and cogently argued book, Kim Stolz shares another story—of her digital addiction and how it enslaved her, fraying friendships, and attention spans, and making her and members of her generation less, not more, connected. Unfriending My Ex is a punch in the nose, meant not to knock out technology, but to jolt us to seek more balance in our lives. Because it is so personally honest, it will rivet your attention.”

  —Ken Auletta, author of Googled

  “Kim Stolz has written an exciting book about love and life in the era of the iPhone. Whether you’re addicted to technology or totally anti social media, she captures the reality of living a sexy, busy, buzzy life today. She’s the ultimate cool chick, an authentic artist, and a natural-born writer.”

  —Alyssa Shelasky, author of Apron Anxiety

  “Stolz explores a topic so current and impactful that I only checked my Twitter and Instagram twice while reading it!”

  —Caprice Crane, international best-selling author of Stupid and Contagious and Confessions of a Hater

  “I remain hopeful that despite current trends, self-awareness and genuine human connection are achievable among the ‘me’ generation. Kim Stolz’s Unfriending My Ex serves as an entertaining and much-needed reminder that we can live without our phones (temporarily) and that being able to laugh at yourself and learn from your mistakes is crucial if you plan to thrive in this digitally connected, fast-paced society.”

  —Nev Schulman, host of MTV’s Catfish and author of In Real Life

  “As a self-confessed Web-aholic I am well aware that social networks have preyed upon humanity’s innate need to connect, and the result is nothing short of a planetary epidemic of info addiction. We are not only content to live in the Matrix but are increasingly driven to be a cognitive cog in its functionality. Kim Stolz has the mind of a scientist in the body of a millennial. Her experiences on reality television and MTV have made her something of a Jane Goodall of digital culture: she lives among them, ever observant, to catalog and understand their behavior patterns while attempting to determine the landscape of Mankind’s future.”

  —Chris Hardwick, host of Comedy Central’s @midnight and author of The Nerdist Way

  “In Unfriending My Ex, Kim Stolz gives us a clear-eyed, exceptionally intelligent look at a phenomenon at once mystifying and unavoidable. The thrall in which social media holds us feels so enchanting, we may be losing control of the most valuable parts of our lives to it. The author while respectful of both progress and of her generation, seeks to restore that control. If our times may be defined by a smartphone, we should be grateful that Unfriending My Ex is a hell of a lot smarter.”

  —Roger Rosenblatt, author of Rules for Aging: A Wry and Witty Guide to Life

  “It’s hard to believe the 1980s once got slapped with the tag the ‘Me Decade.’ What seemed like a materially indulgent era more than twenty years ago had nothing on the narcissism of the past ten years, the ‘iDecade,’ if you will, and those who made it so, the ‘iGeneration.’ That group of look-at-me, listen-to-me, here’s-what-I’m-doing-right-now, poke-you, don’t-delete-me, I-ought-to-be-famous-just-cuz young people are the subject of Kim Stolz’s book. And if anyone ought to know the topic, it’s Kim.”

  —John Norris, MTV News correspondent

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  CONTENTS

  Author’s Note

  1 The Experiment

  2 Generation, Interrupted

  3 Facebook Is Ruining My Life

  4 We’re “Friends”

  5

  6 I Didn’t Mean to Do That

  7 Unfriending My Ex

  8 Does This Filter Make Me Look Famous?

  9 Baby Steps

  Acknowledgments

  About Kim Stolz

  Notes

  To my iPhone, without which (whom?) this never would have been possible.

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  You’re probably going to notice that the names of many individuals in this book are the names of Beverly Hills, 90210 characters. The characters on these pages reflect people I know and experiences that I have had, but naturally, I made the decision to change names and identifying characteristics. Whether you are now named Brenda, Luke, Donna, Brandon, Kelly, or any other name, no doubt all of you exes, acquaintances, and lifelong pals will think you recognize yourselves (or parts of yourselves), and if you’re mad at me and want to hold it against me forever, you are well within your rights to do so. I’ll understand if you unfriend me.

  1

  The Experiment

  When I told my colleagues and loved ones about my idea for this book, that I’d be reflecting on social media and technology and how it has changed us for better or for worse, most of them laughed in my face. Obviously not the reaction you dream of when you set out to write your first book. I bet no one laughed when George Orwell set out to write Animal Farm. Apparently the concept of young pigs planning a rebellion is more realistic than my reflecting on the impact of our generation’s obsession with social media.

  I admit (the first step is admitting) I don’t have a lot of “distance” from the issue. I may be one of the most digitally obsessed and addicted people of my generation. I also acknowledge that my former career as an on-air host for MTV as well as my notoriety as “the gay one” from America’s Next Top Model were enabled and heightened by the reality television craze, the blogosphere, and outlets like Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, and even Myspace and Friendster (RIP). I also am aware that I unabashedly used these tools to promote the restaurant I owned, the Dalloway (singles’ night, girls’ night, “Rosie from Real Housewives is coming!,” etc.). I have been kept in the public eye thanks to these electronic avenues, and much of my success has been a by-product of technological preoccupations.

  So, sure, I get why they laughed (are still laughing). But I’m an intrepid author, and I live to serve, so I decided to undertake an experiment for the public good. It was an experiment to prove to them (and maybe to myself too) why this book had to be written.

  The parameters of the experiment were as follows: no iPhone or use of any other smart phone, no Internet (which meant no Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or any other social media), no AIM, no Gchat or e-mail, and no DVR (I allowed myself television, but no reality shows). I gave my precious iPhone to my roommate, Kelly, who locked it up, so I knew I wouldn’t crumble from temptation—especially after a couple glasses of wine.

  I prepared for my experiment assiduously, planning as if I were being transported to 1854 to live the rest of my days at Walden Pond with only my deliberations to keep me company. It wasn’t going to be the rest of my life; it was only going to be a week. But it was going to be a pure week, a week of healthy detox, and I was ready.

  Of course, the day before the experiment, full panic set in. I started to have paranoid fantasies about being abandoned by everyone I knew. To alleviate my panic, I spent a hundred dollars on a landline, which was only fair and realistic, considering every hou
sehold had one before the Internet took over the world. I scribbled down about forty people’s numbers that I might need over the course of the week—my friends, my mom and dad, my own landline number (so that I could tell everyone so they would call me), my boss, the MTV hair and makeup department, and the number for the nearest AT&T store (in case I went into full breakdown mode and had to buy a quick iPhone replacement—I knew this would be cheating, but I was terrified). The idea of having a landline proved strangely thrilling. I felt like Carrie Bradshaw when I checked my messages each evening after coming home. In fact, it turned out that checking messages was so exhilarating that after my experiment, I decided to keep the landline. I still have it today. I have yet to receive a single message on my answering machine that isn’t from a telemarketer, but I maintain hope.

  I was working at the Times Square offices of MTV at the time and would go in for a few hours a day to shoot my segments, but since the terms of the experiment precluded me from using any computers or going on e-mail, I had to ask a production assistant to print out all of the scripts for me. I’m sure my experiment ruined someone’s week.

  After work, I’d sit on the couch restlessly flipping through a book or magazine and could swear I kept seeing a bright light on the cushion beside me, the clear and exhilarating pop-up light of an iPhone message notification. I would reach for it over and over, even though I knew it was locked away. Sometimes I’d be watching television and would silently and mindlessly pat the couch, feeling around for my phone. My iPhone was a phantom limb. Every minute or so, my eyes would dart across the room and my hands would search unconsciously for the precious machine, my lifeline. I missed it so much.

  I spent the first couple of days in a fugue state: I wonder what people are doing. I’ll just check my—oh no, I can’t. Is everyone hanging out right now? Maybe I’m missing something at work. Do I still have friends? I wonder if they’ve posted about me. What if it’s a terrible photo? What if it’s a great photo and I can’t #regram it? I wonder if something fun is going on that I don’t know about. Who am I? What a mess.

  Five, six, or seven hours a day would go by when I wouldn’t hear from anyone. My coworkers and friends usually sent me hundreds of e-mails each day, and I was used to texting nonstop with twenty or thirty people at a time. But all of a sudden, there was nothing. Nothing except me and my thoughts and my landline.

  Sure, I missed the actual people, but truth be told, the anxiety about disconnecting from the chatter was worse. At first I concluded that my phone had been filling a void, but then I realized that was the whole problem: These devices never filled a void because there had never been a void. They just came in and pushed other, real stuff out. Before smartphones and social media came into all our lives, nothing had been missing. There were books and thoughts and movies and people and places. Now there was just checking your phone every five (two) minutes. There was the twitching and the compulsion, and it really didn’t matter who the human being on the other side of the exchange or post or “like” was, just that they were doing it, feeding the beast of self-regard.

  It was a moment of clarity.

  And then it was over. And I missed my iPhone again.

  And so the week went on. Just like with any recovery from addiction, there is an epiphany and there is backsliding. I’m not proud, but I had my addict lows. At one point in the first couple of days, I couldn’t help myself and went into Kelly’s room to try to find my phone. I just really wanted to text someone, anyone—I just wanted my phone with me again. I thought, I can cheat one time. Nobody will know, which was totally ridiculous, because if I texted a friend, they would obviously know! Like a crazy person, I looked through all of Kelly’s stuff and tried to find my precious phone, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even text her photos of the amazingly embarrassing things I was finding in her room! Later, I admitted all of this to her, and without registering surprise, she told me she had taken it to work with her. “I know you,” she said. “There was no way I was leaving that phone in my room for you to find.”

  My anxiety astounded me. I even got the shakes a few times. My friend Dr. Amy Wicker (a real person, not a 90210 character), who happens to be a clinical psychologist in New York City, explained to me that withdrawal is defined as a “syndrome of painful, physical and psychological symptoms that follow the discontinuance of an addicting substance,” and although I didn’t feel pain per se, I definitely suffered both physical and psychological symptoms. Dr. Wicker added that while a smartphone is not considered an “addictive substance,” it is possible that one could experience significant emotional distress associated with an unfulfilled compulsion to check one’s phone, most notably a sharp rise in anxiety levels. Even though the psychological community does not yet officially recognize my addiction, I felt otherwise.

  Fortunately, as the week progressed, the frequency of these mini panic attacks lessened from every few minutes to about every thirty minutes, then every few hours, and eventually not at all. Watching TV helped quell the panic. But then my missing DVR sent me onto a whole other slide of anxiety. I was watching some good old-fashioned, real-time television, and I would press the “fast forward” button incessantly, not able to fully compute why the commercial played at normal speed. You’ve probably gleaned by now that I like instant gratification; I like to see results and I absolutely hate waiting. I am completely incapable of watching television shows in real time. When I have guests over to my house and we decide to watch a show and the commercial comes on, I watch in awe as these people lower the volume and talk among themselves as if this is a completely acceptable thing to do. It’s not okay for me. I don’t even care about what happens next in the show (especially because I’ll miss half of it due to incoming texts and intervals of Instagram scrolling); I care about not waiting for it.

  Reverting to watching TV in real time was torture. Experiencing commercials is boring; it is also expensive. Do you know how hard it is to not buy what is being sold to you when you have nothing else to do but watch it? I bought two stand-alone elliptical machines that had no railings, just the little foot pedals. I bought them because they wouldn’t take up much space and the commercial told me I would get in shape. I bought a second one because I thought I would be lonely doing it by myself. When they came in the mail, I set them up and got on. I fell off and twisted my ankle. No railings! Three hundred forty-nine dollars later, they still collect dust in my closet.

  Now that I was watching commercials, I noticed how many of them were devoted to telecommunication companies and the products and services they sell. It was like having to watch someone I had just broken up with star in five two-minute shows each hour. I missed my iPhone so much. Television is boring when you can’t IMDb that random actor you loved from Twin Peaks but whose name you can’t remember (Leland!) and text friends about how strange American Idol has become or what Walter White is going to do next.

  Suddenly I had time on my hands. So what did I do? I decided to try to read a book. I know . . . revolutionary. I set my sights on Henry David Thoreau’s Walden. I may have been a bit optimistic about getting through a tome that dense in a week, but I had loved it in high school and I wanted to see if it still seemed as relevant and thrilling as an adult. Plus, I felt like I would relate to it; Thoreau spent two years in a cabin and I was spending a week without social media. I was getting as pathetically close to a Walden Pond–type experience as you really can in this day and age.

  If you aren’t familiar with it, Walden is part social experiment, part voyage of spiritual discovery. Thoreau chronicles two years he spent in a cabin he built in the woods. Basically, by removing himself from his social context, he was able to achieve a deeper understanding of himself, the world around him, and on and on. He set out to Walden to live “deliberately,” to “simplify, simplify” and thus enrich his life. I was basically Henry David Thoreau living in the twenty-first century. (Mrs. Smith, my dear tenth-grade English teacher, if you are reading this, please forgive me for com
paring myself to Thoreau. I know I have no right.)

  Confession (sorry again, Mrs. Smith): I hadn’t read a full book in a really long time—not including Twilight, which I had to read when I covered the Twilight trilogy at MTV. Even when I was reading that lighter fare, I was still easily distracted by whatever was around me. In fact, one of the most tangible changes in my life due to my addiction and increasingly distracted nature is that my attention span is shot. I am basically incapable of reading a single article in the newspaper or a chapter of a book in a single sitting.

  One of my favorite weekend activities used to be lounging around and reading the New York Times and Wall Street Journal front to back. My dad and I used to sit in the living room, read a paper each, then switch and read the other. Now, we sit down with our reading (usually via the app on our iPads) and within twenty minutes we’re playing online Hearts via Bluetooth. These days, when I try to read, I generally get through the first line of each paragraph before my eyes start to skim and my fingers reflexively turn the page. I interrupt my “reading” every few minutes to check my iPhone. I usually make it through one or two articles but give up because I realize I’m not retaining anything. Sometimes I’ll manage to get through an entire article but realize I absorbed absolutely nothing because I spent the entire time thinking about the person who wasn’t texting me back . . . or how to respond to the person who was. If you’re anything like me, your eyes probably glazed over midway through this last paragraph. In fact, you’re probably texting right now, aren’t you? That’s okay. I totally get it.

  Needless to say, at first it was difficult for me to focus on Walden. I had to read paragraphs over and over, because my mind was stuck in this rut: I have to check my phone. But after, once the phantom iPhone limb started to haunt me less frequently, I adjusted, and slowly but surely my attention span and focus came back. Suddenly, I was absorbing everything. And what’s more, I was enjoying it. Thoreau’s transcendentalist journey brought him self-reliance and self-sufficiency. He did not have to see company or hear a phone beep to feel confident or secure. He wrote: